3 Steps to Show Your Child How to Access Calm
Why Telling Them to "Just Calm Down" is Useless (and Often Backfires)
For both children and many adults, being calm is a skill—not an automatic response. When a child is struggling with big emotions, the seemingly simple instruction, “Just calm down,” is often ineffective. Why? Because for many children, especially those who are very young or struggling with self-regulation, they may not actually know what that feeling of “calm” is or how to get there.
They may even know that a behaviour isn’t ideal, but they’re stuck in the moment and don’t know how to step out of it.
Guide change rather than escalate
Have you ever had anyone tell you to “Just calm down?” and its actually had the opposite effect? For many people hearing that phrase may not be helpful.
So rather than saying “Calm down” here are some simple, actionable phrases instead....
When a child is in the heat of the moment, their ability to access complex self-regulation skills is severely challenged. They need a clear, easy-to-follow task.
Simple Phrases That Work:
So, instead of “Calm down,” try one of these:
“Right, let’s take a breath.”
“Let’s sit down and take a breath together.”
“Okay, let’s slow things down for a minute. Let’s have a think about this.”
The phrase “Let’s take a breath” is a perfect example of an instruction a child can follow, even when they’re upset.
Show Them How: The Power of Modelling
Children mirror the grownups around them. When you give them an instruction, like “Let’s take a breath,” you need to do it with them.
Get down to their level.
Show them your calm.
Breathe in deeply with them.
Breathe out slowly with them.
By doing this, you are demonstrating two crucial things:
You are calm and in control of the situation.
You are showing them how to breathe and regulate themselves, giving them a roadmap back to a calmer state.
Catch Them Being Calm: Highlighting Calm Moments
Another fantastic way to build this essential skill is to highlight and recognise moments when your child is being calm and relaxed. This helps them learn what “calm” feels like in their body.
Don’t wait for a crisis to talk about calm. Look for those everyday moments:
If they are quietly drawing, you can say, “I love how calm you are right now. Your breathing is so slow and steady.”
If you notice a calm look on their face, try saying, “Wow, your face looks so calm right now! I’m going to try to do a calm face, too. Show me how you do that.”
Highlighting these tiny moments—even if they’re very short—is incredibly useful. It helps them:
Recognise those calm and relaxed feelings.
Realise that they already possess the skill of being calm.
If their feelings escalate in the future , the memory of what their calm space feels like can serve as an internal anchor, reminding them that they can return to it.
Proactive Calming: The Time to Practice
When a child is in the middle of an angry peak, it can often be challenging to have a rational conversation. In those moments, sometimes the best thing is to give them a bit of space.
But remember, the best time to intervene with calm breathing is before the emotions hit that high peak.
If you see your child starting to escalate—maybe they’re starting to stomp their feet or their voice is getting louder—that’s the perfect time to step in and say, “Let’s take a breath. Let’s slow things down.”
Stepping out of those high-peak emotions early on is a lifelong skill you are giving them!
What are some simple, go-to phrases you use to help your child find their calm space? Share them in the comments below.